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Family Resources: Mr. Rogers on Helping Young Children with Death
Helping Young Children with Death
Of all the stressful times that come to a family, death is one of the most difficult for us.
It’s not easy for any of us to accept the fact that all living things, including ourselves and those we love, will someday die. It’s hard for us to think about this, let alone talk about it with our own children.
If someone we love or a pet we love has died, our children need us for comfort and explanations. But, how do we begin?
Talking About Death
* It helps to use examples with words that children can understand, like “the dead fish can’t move or eat or swim – ever again.”
* Burying a dead goldfish in the yard gives you a chance to say that when bodies are dead, they are often buried in the ground. If we have prepared our children for death before an important human being in their life dies, they may be better able to cope when that time comes.
* Share your memories of your experiences and feelings when you were a child and a loved pet or person died. That gives your child an important way of knowing that feelings are natural and normal.
* Sadness doesn’t last forever. It’s frightening for children to think that the sadness they feel when someone they love dies may overwhelm them and never go away. There can be real comfort in hearing that “sadness doesn’t last forever,” and “the very same people who are sad sometimes are the very same people who are glad sometimes” – and that it’s true for all of us. It also gives them permission to laugh and have fun if that’s what they feel. Enjoying something isn’t a betrayal of the loved one’s memory. It’s a way to honor the loved one by appreciating life.
* While it may seem that, for the moment, you’ve put your child’s questions about death to rest, something may trigger the same or different questions later on. As with most challenging things in life, you’ll have many opportunities to help your children work through what death means to them.
* You may want to encourage your child to make a photo album or a storybook with memories of the person who died. It’s one way to keep the memories alive in us and to keep the relationship alive in our hearts and minds. Grieving isn’t about forgetting. It’s about coming to accept the death little by little and finding ways to enrich our family by continuing to remember our relationship with the person who has died.
* It can help to spend some quiet time with your child doing something together that you both enjoy, like reading a book or taking a walk. Adults and children who are grieving need extra comfort and attention, and those moments of being together can nourish both you and your child. If it means temporarily changing some of the routines, you’ll sense the best time to help your child gradually get back to “normal.”
* When a mother, father, sibling, or any other very close relative or friend dies, that can be one of the most difficult tragedies for any family to face. If you feel that you or your child needs professional help in living through such a tough time, look for a grieving counselor or support group. There are grieving centers that offer important support and information for families with young children.
The Funeral/Memorial Service
* Even very young children can benefit from participating in at least some of the rituals that attend death, so long as we prepare them for what to expect and can listen to their questions. Feeling excluded is much harder for children than feeling sad.
* Before going to the funeral, let your child know that there may be people crying. Mention, too, that there may also be people chattering away and even telling humorous stories. Help your child know that each person deals with death and funerals in his or her own way.
* If you take your child to the funeral home or church, you might want to have an adult friend (with whom your child is comfortable) stay close at hand. That friend can help if your child needs to take a break go, to the bathroom, or gets upset by the crying, crowds, or commotion.
* If your child really doesn’t want to go to the actual funeral, or if your own needs are such that you don’t feel that you can take your child along, there are other ways he or she can be included in this important time of grieving. You might arrange for a special “family only” time with you at the funeral home or cemetery, or suggest that your child help after the funeral by greeting guests or helping to serve whatever refreshments there might be.
* If your child is willing, just having him or her on your lap during the funeral service can give comfort to you, too. Having children nearby at a time like this reminds us that life goes on and on and on.
Of all the stressful times that come to a family, death is one of the most difficult for us.
It’s not easy for any of us to accept the fact that all living things, including ourselves and those we love, will someday die. It’s hard for us to think about this, let alone talk about it with our own children.
If someone we love or a pet we love has died, our children need us for comfort and explanations. But, how do we begin?
Talking About Death
* It helps to use examples with words that children can understand, like “the dead fish can’t move or eat or swim – ever again.”
* Burying a dead goldfish in the yard gives you a chance to say that when bodies are dead, they are often buried in the ground. If we have prepared our children for death before an important human being in their life dies, they may be better able to cope when that time comes.
* Share your memories of your experiences and feelings when you were a child and a loved pet or person died. That gives your child an important way of knowing that feelings are natural and normal.
* Sadness doesn’t last forever. It’s frightening for children to think that the sadness they feel when someone they love dies may overwhelm them and never go away. There can be real comfort in hearing that “sadness doesn’t last forever,” and “the very same people who are sad sometimes are the very same people who are glad sometimes” – and that it’s true for all of us. It also gives them permission to laugh and have fun if that’s what they feel. Enjoying something isn’t a betrayal of the loved one’s memory. It’s a way to honor the loved one by appreciating life.
* While it may seem that, for the moment, you’ve put your child’s questions about death to rest, something may trigger the same or different questions later on. As with most challenging things in life, you’ll have many opportunities to help your children work through what death means to them.
* You may want to encourage your child to make a photo album or a storybook with memories of the person who died. It’s one way to keep the memories alive in us and to keep the relationship alive in our hearts and minds. Grieving isn’t about forgetting. It’s about coming to accept the death little by little and finding ways to enrich our family by continuing to remember our relationship with the person who has died.
* It can help to spend some quiet time with your child doing something together that you both enjoy, like reading a book or taking a walk. Adults and children who are grieving need extra comfort and attention, and those moments of being together can nourish both you and your child. If it means temporarily changing some of the routines, you’ll sense the best time to help your child gradually get back to “normal.”
* When a mother, father, sibling, or any other very close relative or friend dies, that can be one of the most difficult tragedies for any family to face. If you feel that you or your child needs professional help in living through such a tough time, look for a grieving counselor or support group. There are grieving centers that offer important support and information for families with young children.
The Funeral/Memorial Service
* Even very young children can benefit from participating in at least some of the rituals that attend death, so long as we prepare them for what to expect and can listen to their questions. Feeling excluded is much harder for children than feeling sad.
* Before going to the funeral, let your child know that there may be people crying. Mention, too, that there may also be people chattering away and even telling humorous stories. Help your child know that each person deals with death and funerals in his or her own way.
* If you take your child to the funeral home or church, you might want to have an adult friend (with whom your child is comfortable) stay close at hand. That friend can help if your child needs to take a break go, to the bathroom, or gets upset by the crying, crowds, or commotion.
* If your child really doesn’t want to go to the actual funeral, or if your own needs are such that you don’t feel that you can take your child along, there are other ways he or she can be included in this important time of grieving. You might arrange for a special “family only” time with you at the funeral home or cemetery, or suggest that your child help after the funeral by greeting guests or helping to serve whatever refreshments there might be.
* If your child is willing, just having him or her on your lap during the funeral service can give comfort to you, too. Having children nearby at a time like this reminds us that life goes on and on and on.
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